Breaking the silence: Is divorce still a taboo within the British Asian community?

By Swarupa Tripathy

Divorce has traditionally been a sensitive and taboo topic in many societies worldwide, and the British Asian community is no exception. British Asians, consisting of several diverse ethnic groups often adhere to strong cultural and religious values that prioritise the institution of marriage and family unity above all else.

In a research carried out by the Fourth National Survey of Ethnic Minorities in the 1990s, the data collected was analysed by quantitative sociologist Richard Berthoud, who found that British Asian couples were less likely to take the route of divorce as compared to other ethnicities. He found that the rate of divorce and separation among British Asians was 4%, a rate less than half that of White British adults (9%) and less than a quarter of Black Caribbean adults (18%), according to Global Dialogue. Berthoud’s perception of the community was that it was “old fashioned” comprising of individuals who were “loyal to their communities’ histories and traditions,” resistant to the concept of individualisation.

For the longest time, marriage was and still in many cases continues to be considered a sacred bond not just between two individuals, but also their families. Divorce has historically carried a stigma in British Asian society, where marriage is viewed as a lifelong commitment. Cultural and religious expectations emphasise the preservation of family honour, social reputation, and community standing, which can discourage individuals from pursuing divorce, even in difficult circumstances. The fear of judgment, ostracisation, and strained relationships with extended family members can create immense pressure on couples to stay together, regardless of their personal happiness.

“Leaving a marriage is never the easy option. But for those facing cultural stigma and exclusion it can seem bleak and – for some – impossible to escape an unhappy marriage,” says Divorce Coach Sara Davison. Cultural stigma mostly presents itself in the form of family pressure on a couple to stay together as they fear that the community will shun both parties involved. This can be detrimental to those in loveless marriages, as well as victims of constant abuse, violence and threats, who decide to stay regardless of how unsafe they may feel.

Moreover, it is the women who bear the brunt after getting a divorce, which further discourages many from choosing to walk away. Davison adds, “Marriage within the Asian community is considered sacred and even quintessential for a woman – divorce is seen as a sign of failure and divorcees are shamed and shunned for going against parents and cultural norms. Young women from Indian-origin backgrounds often get married within their community – so there is a lot of pressure on them to maintain cultural continuity and family tradition even if the women are second or third generation. An unsuccessful marriage, or a single daughter, or a divorced daughter, is taboo for most Indian-background families.” This is not just true for British Indian women, but also for women belonging to other Asian backgrounds.

In a report by Asian Voice, a woman named Minreet Kaur mentions about entering a “semi-arranged” marriage with a man she had met through a Gurdwara in west London. Within a year of her marriage, she divorced him and decided to go back home. She said,

“There were lots of issues with him and his immediate family. You never know someone until you live with them. He drank excessively and also was a compulsive liar. We didn’t get on at all and were two completely different people.”

In the Sikh community, divorce is often viewed as something to feel ashamed about, particularly for women. As per the 2018 British Sikh Report, around 4% of individuals encountered divorce, and an additional 1% underwent separation. After her marriage ended, Kaur faced the repercussions of being excluded from her community, leading to a prolonged period of limited social interactions. She admitted, “I only received support from my parents while the community frowned upon divorcees. I went to a marriage counsellor and that didn’t help. I tried everything I could to get support but Asian families do not understand when a couple is having issues that sometimes it is just a case of going your separate ways. I managed to cope through my prayers and meditation that gave me strength.”

Recent years have witnessed a significant rise in divorce rates within this community, however, owing to challenging societal norms and generating discussions on the changing dynamics of relationships. The older generations that migrated to the UK led a very different life to those from the current generation. They usually married and had kids at a very young age, which meant that having a family was a core aspect of the British Asian community. The man and the woman had defined roles – with the man being considered as the head of the household and the sole breadwinner, while the woman would fulfil the roles of being a mother and caretaker.

These roles have starkly changed over the years as the younger generation gets more integrated into British society. A contributing factor to this is that more women are also getting educated and pursuing successful careers in several professions, becoming financially independent and in charge of their own lives. No longer are they dependent on their husbands to provide for them. This has made it easier for them to fearlessly take an exit from unhealthy relationships that are no longer serving them. With time, the perceptions of several British Asian families have also changed.

Increased education and empowerment among British Asian women have played a vital role in the rising divorce rates. Education provides women with greater economic independence, enabling them to seek divorce without being entirely reliant on their spouses. Popular BBC Asian Network Radio and TV Presenter, Noreen Khan, told Asian Style Magazine, “We have more choices meaning we want to pursue careers, travel and do things so marriage isn’t at the top of our agenda.” The increasing number of British Asian women joining the workforce has provided them with the financial resources necessary to support themselves and their children, reducing the economic barriers to divorce. Furthermore, access to information and support networks has given them the confidence to leave unhappy marriages, challenging societal expectations and empowering them to pursue a more fulfilling life.